Self–actualized sadomasochistic sexuality

I am no queen of fetish or domination. I am also not a sexuality expert by any means – that role belongs to another Out Front columnist. But I am what I would like to call a “BDSM advocate.”

The world of BDSM has fascinated me ever since a professional Denver dominatrix swooped onto the CU Boulder campus and gave an enthralling performance to students of a sociology course I took. I left the show with whips, floggers and ropes on my mind.

For the next few years, I dedicated a significant amount of my undergraduate career studying the practices, the culture and the attitudes associated with BDSM.

As you may have guessed, the majority of outsider opinions on BDSM are negative. People jump to the “sick” conclusion; In fact, sadomasochism is listed as a mental illness in American Psychiatric Association’s DSM (classified as a disorder if it’s been practiced towards non-consenting victims, but using the same term that responsible participants embrace).

But while these outsiders are calling us kinky and sick, we are calling ourselves healthy and self-actualized.

I firmly believe that the practice of BDSM can be both recreational and therapeutic. I believe that BDSM isn’t something to be afraid of, but rather something to embrace for both the mind and the body. And I’m not the only one who wants to make this point.

Sexual studies scholars are coming out of the woodwork left and right to defend the BDSM culture. Most are making the case that BDSM is not a sickness at all, but subject to misunderstanding. To many, the idea of being dominated and seeking pleasure in pain is so daunting that it almost isn’t even fathomable. But once people begin to let that guard down and accept the unacceptable, an entire world in the pursuit of happiness opens up.

To further discuss the idea I turned to Lady Bandita, a professional dominatrix working in the Denver area – and the same dom I saw perform at CU Boulder a few years ago.

Bandita believes that curiosity about different things is healthy, as is giving in to the desire to try something new.

“I think that people try a lot of things and choose from curiosity,” Bandita said, “and it’s a pull to get into whatever. Body modification, you name it. It’s a pull to go in a particular direction and explore and learn more. The pull gives us the ability to say, ‘well, I like pain, what else can cause me pain that I like?’”

For Bandita, BDSM is a way to channel her dominant personality traits.

“I know that if I don’t participate in some sort of activity where I can assert my dominance in my setting, I’ll seek it out in other areas,” Bandita said. “Maybe I’ll go to a fighting class, but I’ll try to get it somewhere else. I find that when I can participate (in BDSM) I feel fulfilled in a stable way.”

Many people find BDSM to be form of healthy therapy and release.

“I think it’s a stress relief for people who want to relinquish the control they have in life – or for people who want to gain that control,” said Lucy McAlister, a 22-year-old University of Colorado graduate.

Scholars like Staci Newmahr examine how this nontraditional practice is defined as “a devotion to the pursuit of an activity that requires specialized skills and resources and provides particular benefits.” Newmahr argues that for sadomasochism to be considered as “serious leisure,” it is something that must be taken out of the bedroom and into a new space.

Lady Bandita also agrees, to a certain degree.

“Typically there’s a desire (for BDSM) and people do it to the extent that they can until they have to see a professional,” Bandita said. “A professional enters when you can’t fulfill these actions yourself or you don’t have the space for it.”

One of the biggest reasons we engage in sexual activity in the first place is to feel good, to feel a connection with a partner, for satisfaction or maybe to unwind after a long day’s work. Those of us who are intrigued by BDSM do it for the same reasons. Those who practice BDSM aren’t sick – we’re just human too.