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Hunters vs. Gleaners: Know Your Dating Strengths

Hunters vs. Gleaners: Know Your Dating Strengths

Pride Season is still upon us — c’mon, it lasts all summer! — which means thousands of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes continue to converge onto our city. Some you will find incredibly attractive, and some of these will even have the hots for you. If you’re not looking to hook up right now, that’s fine. You do you. But for those who are interested in finding a date, what’s your pick-up strategy?

One of my friends laughs and says, “You don’t find a date at Pride; you find yourself with one.” Another scoffs, “Are you kidding? That leaves too much up to chance. I really like to win.” These two responses, I propose, represent two schools of dating — gleaners and hunters — both of which offer you tools to use in the upcoming weekend.

Gleaners are opportunists. Fans of intuition and figuring things out as they go along, they’re likely to meet a new date through mutual friends, and they play the long game, not getting their hopes too set on one option. The gleaner sees the world as abundant, and he’s confident that his relationships will naturally create a context for romance. He won’t force it to happen, but he’ll recognize it when it comes to him.

Meanwhile, hunters are in the now game, leaving nothing to chance. Hunters are turned on by the thrill of talking to strangers; they crave a challenge as it gives them a chance to prove their competence. Even rejection can be thrilling, inspiring greater clarity and focus. Most of the hunter’s work lies in the past during preparation — she leverages the books she’s read, the music she’s practiced, or the weights she’s lifted to give her the confidence for this moment or this notch in her belt. And she usually wins.

It’s worth saying what both hunting and gleaning are not. Hunting is not cat-calling or giving someone unwanted attention or not taking the hint. That’s harassment. Gleaning is not ranting on Facebook about the lack of dating options. That’s self-pity.

Let’s be clear, you don’t have to be one or the other. In fact, you might be more successful if you draw from both. Here are the ways to make the most out of both strategies:

Hunters

Read body language. Eyes are not just the window to the soul; they tell you exactly how much someone is interested. Watch for how someone’s body faces you or turns away when you talk to them.

Stay confident without being cocky: Do your Brene Brown testosterone boosting postures if you must. You thrive when you slice through the mental BS that holds you back. But recognize that most people will want someone who isn’t condescending or into themselves.

Blend in until it’s time to strike. You need to make a good first impression, so wait for the perfect moment.

Have enough ammo. One-liners are lame. Plan your second and third steps before your first initiation to keep interest high. At the same time, know when to pull back and listen.

Gleaners

Plant seeds and then harvest. You naturally have lots of options, so ping your top two or three (or 10) in the days before an event to say you hope to see them. Gauge their responses, and then narrow in on a few when the time gets closer.

Leverage the credibility of friends. Travel with the pack and work your charm by the energy you get from being around your favorite people. Ask for an introduction, or mention a mutual friend if you’ve already done the legwork on Facebook.

Know when to clearly indicate your interest. You thrive on reading and giving subtle cues, but sometimes you need to let an interest know your intentions unequivocally. Make a choice, and use your words.

Create the time and space for something to happen. Nothing happens instantly. You love chance and discovering connection in the moment, but improve your odds by giving your interests lead time to build anticipation or make sure you’re available in one place long enough to read and be read by potential matches.

Whatever methods you choose, stay safe and enjoy the experience. Good luck out there!

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