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(Lookin’ at you, straight chicks!)

Before I start,

I’d like to specifically address this to straight chicks who are sober at said time of flirtation.


If ever there’s an apropos time for the word “adorkable,” it’s probably when one of you (often) endearing, shy, (mostly) straight women find yourself drawn to the lesbian among your friends and/or coworkers. It’s usually not the first time you’ve seen her, of course; this normally occurs to you after a few rounds of talking about work, school, TV, music, nothing important, and the likes. There’s a … certain something about this chick that’s actually rather intriguing.

She has an interesting aura that doesn’t feel like my other friends’ auras.

Her sense of humor is so wicked! Her perspective on things is kind of refreshing, actually.

Ok, but she doesn’t like men sexually at all? Not even a little?

I really like her hair. Her style. Her voice. Her mannerisms.

And then: She’s really kind of … sexy, to be honest. Not that I’m gay, of course, but … I could see that happening.

And hey: It happens. A lot. And if I may say, on behalf of lesbians who’ve found themselves on the receiving end of your adoration, that’s really fucking sweet. Wow. Thank you. It’s a huge compliment and it really helps a sister out on a bad day.

Now: Can we talk about your flirting styles? (Omg, they’re hilarious, c’mon! No shame, mama — it’s all in good fun.)

Full Throttle

Some of you ladies out there have gotten so sick of waiting for men to approach you, that you’ve mastered the approach yourselves. You invite Lesbian Crush over — let’s name her Cara — for some Netflix and Chill, right? You’ve ordered some food, have plenty of drinks in the fridge, cleaned the apartment like you’re trying to get laid because you totally are, and made sure your bra and undies would elicit a salute from armed troops, they’re so everything America’s about. Cara arrives looking better than she normally does in your eyes, and you want to jump her bones right there on the welcome mat. But you hold out. Cara looks a little too casual for you to turn the heat up this early. After a few bites and a beer, it’s time to hit play on the movie, but you situate yourself so close to her on the couch that it’s obvious you’re ready to hit play on something else. After your intentions are made certain by your ACTUAL BREASTS pressing against her arm, she excuses herself to your bathroom. You’re getting turned on by the coy business she’s giving and you sense it’s almost time to leap.

“I actually can’t stay,” she says after coming out. She’s holding her phone like it’s the apology incarnate and shoves it back in her pocket. She offers to pay half for the takeout and drinks, but you’ll have none of it. Thanking you once again, she leaves in a rush and you’re left with the hugest “Ok,wtf?” of your entire life. That’s some Straight-Girl Thirsty and you’ve never tasted it before. Bitter, yeah? Girl.

The fix? Calm the hell down. Just because you want her doesn’t mean she wants you. Not at the moment, anyway. Some lesbians aren’t the wanton, lustful creatures you’ve been deejaying your vag to. Remember the “chill” part of Netflix and …

Stuck in Neutral

So you’ve both established that there’s a little “something” there, but it’s  been a really slow process because you’re new to this whole “girl crush” business. Totally ok.

But after about two months of movies and playful texts and the occasional lingering hug, Cara’s about ready to bail on you. You see her talking to other girls who are obviously into her and seemingly aren’t afraid to take something to another level. How dare she dismiss all your hard work? That’s something a stupid boy would do!

The fix? Girl, step your game up. Time is finite and if you’re really ready to venture into LesboLand, put the train in gear. We’re not saying wear some lingerie under your work uniform and pull her into the office (although we’re not not saying that), but if she’s leery of you not really being into her, she’s not going to invest for very long. We got lives to live, homegirl! Put some heat on the stove or just admit you should be friends.

The “Can My Boyfriend Watch?”

Girl, bye.