I work really hard to be a kind and successful guy, but I cannot even list all of the ways I suck. There are times where I become overwhelmed with work and all of the projects I take on. My body isn’t how I want it to look and many times I get aggravated with elements in my life that are under my control and others that are outside of my sphere of influence. Nothing ever happens fast enough for me.
Sometimes I aggravate people around me that I love by setting high expectations for myself, them, or our friendship in general. Other times, I’m just a grumpy ass for no good reason other than the fact that my emotions tell me that I’m in a bad mood. I see the potential good in most people and react aggressively at times when they disappoint me by acting like a thoughtless jackasses. People that I love are sometimes targets for the anger I feel towards other unrelated people and situations.
I am far from perfect, and I struggle with that reality often.
I’ve maintained a consistent focus in my life on high levels of achievement and am hard on myself when I don’t do as well as I hope. It makes me wonder sometimes why I do this and if my frustrations are warranted. An ex-boyfriend of mine had an interesting, albeit misguided, view of putting effort into actions. He noticed that I consistently busted ass in working towards something and steadily hit high levels of success.
I would also spend energy trying to figure out why my success wasn’t perfect and how it could be better next time. He felt that his significantly lower expenditure of energy in a project was better because it yielded an acceptable result with much less intellectual, emotional, or physical effort. His results were often nothing spectacular but were most often seen as acceptable. Being just “good enough” was never a good option for me, and I struggled often to see his perspective. Trust me, this was just one of many philosophical differences we had, but it got me thinking about my patterns.
What it comes down to is that I am a perfectionist and I can accept that truth about myself. As I get older, I am working to re-evaluate aspects of myself that maybe don’t work as well as I once thought they did. There are times when I wonder if my desire to develop the best possible future for myself is a significant hindrance to my overall happiness.
Of course, this question usually only enters my mind in times of extreme stress. Most of the time, I feel relatively confident about myself and the life I have created. I work hard and strive to be a positive influence in my own life and endeavor to be supportive to others. Above all else, I want to feel fulfilled and that I’m making a difference in the world.
As much as it personally pains me, I recognize that it is truly acceptable to not be perfect. I accept that reality in other people, but I continue to struggle with it in my own personal life. I have worked to find a balance between killing myself to make something work perfectly and putting an appropriate amount of energy into a project to give me a positive outcome.
I’m also coming to realize that I don’t have to do everything I desire and there are times where I only have a certain amount of energy to put into something. That effort will have to be sufficient. Even with all of my personal internal struggles and desires to become the best, most amazing person I can be, it is important for me to remember that I am better for recognizing my accomplishments than tearing myself down for my shortcomings.