Panel: What advice do you have for LGBT people who are still in the closet?

Pieter Tolsma, Keo Frazier, George K. Gramer, Jr. and Jeff Swaim weigh in on this week’s question.

Pieter Tolsma

I am thankful my parents and family lived in denial. Everyone else seemingly could tell I was a gay man except, apparently, for them. Had they been a little quicker on the draw I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to craft a life for myself that would support me emotionally, physically, and financially should the need arise (and it definitely did) when I decided to come out.

I always knew my family would not take me coming out well. When the moment came, I was as prepared as possible — and it still hurt to my very core. I cannot imagine the pain of someone who dared hope for acceptance but found only bitterest disappointment instead. There is no preparation and it can take years or a lifetime to overcome it.

My advice for the LGBT in the closet is to remember there are so many people out there cheering for you. You may not know them yet, but they are there — we are here — and you need only find us. I can’t imagine all of the circumstances and odds stacked against you living openly as you would like, but know that when you do and you can reveal yourself as you want to be, you will never want to go back. Take your time. We will be here when you get here.

Pieter Tolsma is program coordinator of Denver PIQUE, a sexual health and social support program for gay/bi men in Denver.

George K. Gramer, Jr.

Come out only when you are ready. This is a big deal, regardless of the number of people you inform. Be ready for some joys and perhaps some sorrows. This is not something that is easy – know that from the beginning.

Be yourself, and do it on your own terms. Someone in your small trust group should not demand that you come out to more than you want. YOU write the rules here. This is YOUR life.

Come out in a way that is comfortable to you. I have come out to friends on the telephone, in chat, and in person. Consider to whom you wish to come out and determine the best way to connect in a way that the other person will feel good about the news you have to share.

Perhaps even before all of this happens, join an LGBT group with which you have an affinity, attend Pride. Ascertaining your feelings in group situations helps you to know how you might feel in a more private one-on-one situation with people for whom you have loving feelings, and whether you want to tell others that you are LGBT.

Be selective in whom you tell. I am still not out to my mother (although I suspect she knows and understands). I need not be out anywhere I do not want to be. I am in many groups where sexuality has nothing to do with anything. Don’t come out to anyone you don’t want to – you can control this via your methods of informing others.

You will know when it is time. You will know it in your heart. Good luck!

Iowa native George Gramer, Jr. is the president of the Colorado Log Cabin Republicans.

Keo Frazier

When I came out I didn’t know anyone gay, nor did I have any idea where to find anyone gay. I came out only to be true to myself, to be happy. I came out to be able to live life to its fullest without regrets or second thoughts.

After I came out, alone, the real journey began. After coming out I became closer to my current friends because I was finally open, honest and truly authentically me. The journey was about discovering myself and learning that nothing changed about me coming out of the closet only that I smiled more and laughed twice as much.

My advice for anyone searching for their way out into the open is to allow yourself to be exactly who you are without holding back, and without regrets. You can begin by loving and accepting yourself, recognizing that you are the master of your own happiness.

Once you accept yourself and you learn to control your happiness, you will see that coming out was something you had to do for you, yes, and for those who love you. When you come out you feel alive, refreshed and relieved. When you come out there is nothing more to look forward to than more smiles and lots of laughter. Life becomes brighter because you are finally embracing all the things that make you you.

Besides, the grass is much greener after a rainbow.

Keo Frazier is a local entrepreneurial and business leader, and the fearless founder of KEOS Marketing Group.

The the decision to come out is very personal and I recommend it feel right for you and be on your terms — not at the counsel or prodding of others. There a several layers to coming out. Yes, you could “take the polar ice plunge” and burst out of the closet, but I found easing into it — starting with those closest to me — made the most sense.

I grew up in a very small town in Nebraska, and identifying as gay would have been inviting misery. My parents were very traditional and uneducated about homosexuality, and in many ways I thought it would be unfair to “dump” it on them knowing we would have very little dialogue about it afterward. My approach was basic and one I most strongly recommend for anyone in the closet: be authentic.

Be real. Be you. When being in the closet also means having to lie and deceive and pretend to be accepted — it’s just not healthy and the long-term consequences of that stress (depression, substance abuse, etc.) can far outweigh the short-term consequences of coming out.

I never have “formally” come out to my family or even any friends. I have just been me, and those who get it, get it. I don’t concern myself much with what other people think — instead I focus on being in touch with my true self.

Every year, the world is making more progress toward acceptance of GLBTQ community. We are nowhere near being as “Zen” as I would like the world to be, but every day YOU make a difference when you show the world how amazing you are, just the way you are!

Jeff Swaim is an entrepreneur, sports lover, outdoor enthusiast, philosopher, and ex-Nebraska farm kid. He’s also a believer in unleashing the talents and potential of people.