OFM’s Ask a Coach with Ingomu

Welcome to Ask a Coach, where Ingomu coaches answer your questions about life, work, wellness, or matters of the soul. Share your question with us at coaches@ingomu.com, and we’ll answer them here.

I identify as nonbinary. How do I best educate the people around me at work to prevent uncomfortable situations for myself and them? 

– Tyler S.

Living as your authentic self (including how you identify) should be embraced at work and beyond. Unfortunately, this is not the reality for many individuals who are gender nonconforming. While most companies have nondiscrimination policies that address gender identity, nonbinary workers often experience harassment, microaggressions, and mistreatment. 

Ideally, your workplace already has policies and protections in place for nonbinary employees. If that is the case, you can work with management so that they take on the challenge to educate others as part of building an inclusive workplace culture for everyone, including nonbinary colleagues.

If your workplace is not particularly inclusive for any number of reasons you may want to:

• Gauge your safety and determine what supports and protections are in place for nonbinary individuals in your workplace as well as your city, state, and country.
• Talk to a trusted supervisor regarding how they could help support and guide you in educating others about your gender identity.
• Be prepared for people to react in all sorts of ways.
• Decide to engage or disengage in conversations and interactions that are not affirming to your gender identity, experience, chosen name, and pronouns.

– Coach Kim Kennedy, Ph.D.

What do I do, or how do I deal with, people who have a negative reaction to me coming out?

– Ash G.

It can be freeing to come out. And as excited as you may feel about finally saying it out loud, you may have to deal with negativity once you do. So here are some suggestions on how to deal with those who had a negative reaction to you coming out 

• Remind yourself that the reaction that someone else has belongs to them. You cannot control or change it. Sometimes people react rather than respond.
• Give others some time and space. Maybe they reacted from an emotional place and need time to process.
• If the reaction was from a trusted individual, reach out and let them know you would like to start a conversation.
• If the reaction was from someone who is not an integral part of your life, take time to determine how important it is to do anything at all.
• Unless you feel drawn to advocate for LGBTQIA+ people, release yourself from feeling responsible for educating others.
• Create a positive space for yourself. In this space, be yourself, and set a boundary that does not allow negativity in. Fill this space with your own self-love and others who are supportive and loving. 

– Coach Maria Kaylor

First, acknowledge the strength in yourself to be authentically you, even amidst outside resistance. Let’s talk about curiosity and boundaries. Most likely, you had been thinking of coming out for some time, and when you finally did, you may have had the expectation for others to react a certain way, forgetting that they have not had the time you have had. What were your expectations? How might you allow others some time and space so that their initial reaction does not become their only reaction? 

However, if their reaction is continuously full of queerphobic remarks, boundaries can help you. You cannot control others, but you can control how you interact with your external environment. A boundary can look like not discussing any personal matters with a coworker or saying, “I know that you are uncomfortable with my queer identity, but I am still a human being who deserves respect, so if you are unable to provide that to me right now, I will leave and return when you are able to.” The goal is to protect yourself in a way that honors yourself and lets others know that your authenticity is not something they can shake you away from. 

– Coach Liana Griebsch

Other people’s opinions are none of our business. They say much more about them than they do about us. 

Everyone is not as awake and aware as we are. We can have compassion and accept them as they are. Judging them causes us to contract, and brings us down to their level.

We can choose to be the best version of ourselves in that moment.  When we take things personally, when we want everyone to accept us with open arms, we are setting ourselves up for failure. We are going to be disappointed. Most people are not capable of accepting themselves, much less others with open arms.  They weren’t raised that way and don’t know how.

The key is to bring our feelings back to ourselves. We can love and accept the kids inside of us that feel hurt, rejected, unheard and misunderstood. Actually, our love is the very best balm for our wounds and hurts.  When we wrap our loving arms around the kids inside of us and bring them into our hearts, we are able to shine brightly.  

That’s the power of love. Feel the power of love, and allow love to restore the balance.

– Coach Arlene Cohen Miller, JD, PCC

What advice can you share for building relationships with professors/mentors that would be helpful as you enter your professional life?

– Colin W.

“Relationship” is the key word here. Contacting someone and immediately asking for something seldom yields positive results, personally or professionally. First, reach out and connect with them with a message developed specifically for them, letting them know that you value their connection personally. Follow up with a different form of connection. If you emailed them first, then call them. Tell them why you want to connect further, and ask for a convenient time for a one-on-one meeting. 

Meet visually, on screen or in person. If in person, meet at a public place initially to ensure your safety rather than in a private office. Then ask questions and listen—questions about their job, what it takes to achieve what they’ve achieved, their perspectives on the future of their industry. Then you can ask if they would be open to mentoring you. Stay in touch, and follow through with commitments you make. That’s how you build relationships!

– Coach Sylvia Henderson, MBA

Attend your professors’ office hours as often as you can. Doing so will give you valuable experience asking for help when needed, as well as engaging in conversation with someone who holds a position of authority. To be successful in your professional life, you will need the ability to admit when you don’t know the answer and have the courage to seek out the answer. This often comes in the form of asking others for help. Seeing this as a strength, not a weakness, will serve you well in school and in the world of work.   

– Coach Sara Jackson

Connections with professors and mentors can be very valuable in growing your career. Not only can they introduce you to others who can help you find jobs, but they are also useful for college/university recommendations. However, and this is a big however, like your entire network, you must make sure you keep in touch from time to time—just to check in. Nobody wants to hear from you after years “out of the blue” only to be asked for a favor.  It will seem like you only care about them when you need a favor. 

Instead, nurture your network; keep in touch with your mentors and professors. Let them know how you’re doing. When you take a new job or are promoted at work, reach out and let them know. Another category of life changes they would want to know about is if you moved to another city, got married, or expanded your family—whether with a two- or four-legged addition. If your connections had a good relationship with you in the past, they will be happy to know about your success and will be happy for you—and they will be pleased that you cared enough to let them know.

– Coach Joyce Gioia, MBA, CMC, CSP, FIMC

To maximize benefit from any mentoring experience, you must be coachable. This relationship will be as valuable to you both as you take action for it to be. Be open. Ask questions. Share thoughts, wins, struggles. Increase your self confidence! 

These relationships are a gift and opportunity. Treat them as such, and that’s what you’ll get. 

– Coach Stephanie Braden, MFP-C, CES, PES

Relationship building is about making the person you are with feel good about themselves every time they are with you. This makes them want to be around you and answer and respond to your calls, texts, and emails. Ask a minimum of four to six sincere questions about them before talking about yourself or asking for advice. This creates a loving, trusting, intimate, energetic aura to reside in moving forward. 

Have a clearly named intention and a desired outcome when asking for advice. Be honest and respectful; listen with sincerity and validate their insights, especially if you disagree. Express gratitude often for their thoughts, advice, and constructive criticism. Pay special attention to anything you disagree with or react to. These are often the issues others see in you that are getting in your way, meaning  you are not open to what you should be working on the most. 

Ask yourself where you would like to be in 20 years, and seek out successful, experienced mentors in a similar field or line of work. Carry a small carnelian crystal with you. These help you to articulate and express your thoughts. Lastly, if a meal, snack, or beverage is involved, always pick up the check.

– Coach Steve Reinhart, Energy Healer, RMT, ARC

Here at Ingomu, we uplift humankind by making a positive difference in the lives of many. Via the Ingomu App, we provide holistic and equitable coaching in the areas of life, work, wellness, and soul. Coaching for everyone because everyone matters. 

Learn more at OFM.ingomu.com.