Biking the Boulevards

Let’s face it: Sometimes taking public transportation blows chunks. And I use that analogy on purpose, as I’ve smelled vomit (among other bodily fluids) on the bus before.

We all have our horror stories, especially if you’ve ever ridden the Fifteen (East Colfax) or the Zero (South Broadway). God help you if you ride those bus lines late at night … on a weekend … on a holiday weekend.

There are a few guidelines to make your public transportation experience more palpable. Headphones are a must, preferably with a furious metal band like Dying Fetus exploding out of your earbuds. And bring a book, preferably a collection of H.P. Lovecraft stories so you can summon Cthulhu if needed.

And if you hear someone on the bus talking (or screaming) to himself, do not make eye contact. I’m not saying he’ll dismember you, but I guarantee whatever happens next, it won’t be boring.

As an alternative to public transportation, I like to bike. It’s good exercise. It’s green. It’s free. I don’t, however, recommend reading Lovecraft while biking — unless you want to win a Darwin award as a red smear along the asphalt.

I’m not alone in using this substitute. In March of 2015, the Downtown Denver Partnership announced that “commuting by bike into Downtown Denver has increased by 43 percent in the past year.” And Denver’s public bike-sharing network now consists of 87 bike stations with 700 bikes. This growth has fostered conflict between drivers and bikers alike. So, as someone who does both (I’m versatile), here are a few suggestions to make all our commuting experiences more palpable.

To Bikers: Don’t be a douchenozzle

As a biker, I cringe when I see someone biking down 13th or 14th Street, basically a rolling traffic hazard. Those who traverse these one-way gauntlets in and out of downtown Denver know there’s hardly enough room for vehicles, let alone bikes. Every other parked car along these streets has a stub where the side-view mirror once was.

It’s more frustrating knowing that both 12th and 16th Street are designated bike paths, parts of which have bike lanes.

To Drivers: We’re not all douchenozzles

I’ve seen the meme: A picture of a biker with the sardonic text arguing bikers want to be treated as traffic, but don’t follow traffic laws. First, I’ve never met a driver who has never broken a traffic law (#doublestandards). Second, there are idiot bikers just like there are idiot drivers.

I once got stuck in my truck at a busy intersection (on my way to work) as a large group of bikers deliberately ran the red light, backing up the commuter traffic for blocks.

As a biker, I’d like to say to other bikers who feel so entitled to do this: Go screw yourself. I mean it. Take the sprocket assembly and insert it where the sun don’t shine, or read while you bike and earn yourself a Darwin award. (Ok, maybe my last statement was a bit harsh, but moronic bikers give us conscientious bikers a bad name, and it blows chunks.)

To Everyone: Lose the Spandex

I shouldn’t have to explain myself here. Spandex is a product of evil, of Sauron himself. If you wear Spandex, you’re a minion of Sauron, whether you’re biking, driving, or jogging around Cheesman Park with your Dandie Dinmont Terrier. Cast those accursed clothes into Mount Doom and spare us all.