Is searching for ‘people like us’ narcissistic?

A couple months back I started asking people if it’s sort of narcissistic to like someone because she or he is similar to you. Each time I asked, the person paused a moment and said, yeah, kinda.  People say all the time that they like someone for what they have in common. But if you admire someone because of their similarities to you, isn’t that a focus on how great you are?

I understand the desire to connect with people who like what you like, think the way you think or go to the same places you go to. It’s like being in a tribe or club, and makes you feel safe — one could almost say it makes you feel normal.

Yeah, I said the N-word: normal. When people create a cocoon of sameness around them, they are basking in the illusion of normalcy. But when your comfort with being around someone similar becomes admiration of those traits, it makes me think perceptions become skewed.

In mythology, Narcissus was the beautiful son of a Greek god and a nymph. He was so beautiful, in fact, that one day while walking in the woods he happened upon a pool where he caught sight of his own reflection and fell in love. When he eventually realized the reflection couldn’t love him back, he was so overcome by sadness that he died. Holy crap! He dies of a broken heart that no one else will ever be as amazing as he is?

The lesson is to avoid thinking so highly of yourself that you fail to see merits in everyone. Narcissism usually shows up in the wrong context — people usually use the word narcissistic to mean vain.

Instead of admiring someone for being a lot like you, do you really mean they understand your point of view? Everyone wants to be understood — so it stands to reason we’re really looking for people who understand us by surrounding ourselves with people like us. In fact, what often really happens is that people too similar to you can make you crazy, right? You don’t really need someone like you, you need someone who compliments you and brings out your strengths.

I think our admiration for similar people is really about fitting in. We strive to find a tribe to belong to — geeks/nerds, jocks, stoners, cheerleaders, Democrats, Republicans, LGBT — the categories and subcategories are endless. When we find a group, it means we’re normal. There’s even a word for people who don’t feel like they fit in anywhere: misfits. However, they don’t want to associate with one another; they are striving to be like another group.

But people are like snowflakes; no two are alike, and trying to find that perfect group of mirror images is an illusory quest. Being proudly different is the only way to fly.

Maybe it’s somewhat narcissistic admiring someone for the qualities that you admire in yourself. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing; for example, if you admire someone for being a person of integrity that means that you too are a person of integrity. Who you admire helps show you who you are.

I think it becomes cautionary when your admiration for their/your qualities give you the idea that you’re better than someone else. This was Narcissus’ challenge — he couldn’t see how anyone could be as lovely as him and that meant his life was no longer worth living. If this is where you are, might I suggest a private island — you won’t have to suffer the inferiority of the rest of us mere mortals.