The Scary Truth About Dating Apps

Do LGBTQ Dating Apps Deliver Lies?

Not ‘Woke,’ Just an Asshole

It’s 2019, and apparently, we’re all more likely to meet our partner through a dating app than we are to meet them in real life. This is what our culture has come to. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. So, here you are: re-downloading Tinder, Grindr, or whatever platform you prefer, for the fifth time this month.

We have all been there. For the queer community, these spaces can sometimes feel like the only way to meet individuals and avoid negative stigmas or potentially harmful situations. But, it’s time we ask: do these dating apps always feel as safe or inclusive as they should?

Not only can it be intimidating putting yourself on these apps, but meeting someone in person can feel even scarier. The person may have disclosed themselves online as being queer, or an ally, although this could be far from the truth when they show up for the date.

Today, Tinder alone racks up nearly a couple billion right swipes per day. And, as millions of people flock to these apps to create their profiles and meet potential partners, they’re all thinking the same thing: How should I present myself to this online community? And, more importantly, how can I get those ego-boosting right swipes, which I’m really here for?

So, here you are, late-night scrolling instead of getting a decent six hours of sleep. That means you may have encountered the self-proclaimed “woke,” “feminist,” or “LGBT+ friendly!” profile.

Maybe these identifiers feel arbitrary, and maybe they feel necessary.

But, at the end of the day, this is just a label someone has placed in their bio. Sometimes, it can be difficult to see a person’s true intentions when they hide behind a phone screen. Who is really socially conscious and inclusive, and who thinks putting “woke” in their profile will simply get them more dates?

Identities and Outliers

It’s time to weed out the allies from the online daters who simply use the queer community and our labels to make themselves seem virtuous.

For queer individuals, navigating dating apps can feel like a mess. Privacy is important, and safety is important, but these factors can feel secondary to the nature of dating platforms, where the only currency is right-swipes and hookups.

Such concerns are especially relevant for one self-identifying bisexual woman (who preferred to remain anonymous, but whom I will refer to as Gina). “Usually, those differences arise in person. They’ll assure me they’re a feminist on our first date, but still exhibit all kinds of manipulative behavior. I dated one guy who used to get really jealous—and then would apologize later for ‘gaslighting me,’ as if him knowing the word ‘gaslighting’ excused him from the practice of gaslighting,” Gina explained.

A major complication arises from situations like this wherein individuals think they’re excused from their own toxic behavior. Just because someone is aware of the labels or terms they use does not mean they put these into safe practice.

Because these apps allow individuals to market themselves in whatever way they see fit, this can mean applying haphazard labels without fully understanding what they mean to the community that created them.

“Reading ‘woke feminist’ in someone’s bio can be a bit of a red flag. I often feel that, if they self-identify by these labels, they will turn out to be ‘woke’ in a competitive sense—which involves talking over me, explaining things to me, and undermining my experiences. Ironically, they think being ‘woke’ (code for a ‘nice guy’) entitles them to more sex and dates,” said Gina.

Does it Matter?

So, who are these labels really for? If some people are not using them to avoid homophobes and as necessary self-preservation, than these tactics just aim to boost that individual’s ‘self-worth.’ And this comes at the expense of the queer people they are exploiting.

On the other hand, there’s a reason these labels are so important to the people they represent. They help to foster understanding, alliance, and provide community where there used to be none. Placing such identifiers on one’s profile can be an announcement to the homophobes on these dating platforms that we’re here—and we’re unapologetic about it.

“For women, for queer men, or for men of color, using these labels can be a way of establishing who shares your fundamental values,” Gina added.

So, the issue at hand may reach beyond dating apps and comment on issues rooted in people’s sincerity to represent themselves. But, as online platforms are becoming a more and more popular way to meet new people, we all must be wary of labels that should signal safety but really may just be dividing us further.

We should all be woke, feminists, and queer-friendly. While these are all necessary traits we need in the people we see as well, whether it be intimately or platonically, we should all set the bar so much higher.