American Queer Life: Tips for Baking π, er, Pie

Pie, pie, me oh my

Nothing tastes sweet, wet, salty, and dry

all at once, oh well it’s pie!

The Pie Song, from the movie
Michael (1996)

National Pie Day, January 23, has passed. The “holiday” was created in the 70s by Boulder nuclear engineer Charlie Papazian, to celebrate his birthday. So, I’m sharing my pie-making tips in time for its homonymic counterpart: National  (Pi) Day.

Pi, a Greek letter symbolizing the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, is celebrated March 14, or 3/14, which mirrors the ratio’s simplest calculation of 3.14. It’s a limitless calculation. In 2019, Japanese computer scientist Emma Haruka Iwao’s record breaking computation included 31.4 trillion digits with no end in sight. Which, of course, calls for a math joke.

Guess what my password is.

No idea.

The last six digits of pi.

STEM labs should prepare for unbridled merriment on campuses nationwide, but for now, on to edible pie.

Baking—pies and popovers, cookies and cakes—is my edible therapy, my yummy yoga poses. This self-remedy began in the early 90s when AIDS was killing my friends, and I awaited my own demise. After years of depression and paralysis, I started to bake. And baked and baked and baked. Even if existential crises remained unresolved, at least I had a sweet treat to snarf down. Assailed by uncontrollable worldcatastrophes and fatigued by a flagitious president yapping incessantly, lately, I’ve been baking a lot.

Basic Recipe

On the web and YouTube, you will find gobs of recipes and techniques. I offer my tips and suggestions with this motto: K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple Sweetie-.

For decades, I’ve used this recipe from Mom’s Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook of the 50s. Start with glass or ceramic pie plates; metal plates bake too hot, yielding burnt crusts. Choose your fat. I recommend shortening (Crisco) for ease and flakier layers. I’ve tried lard. Blech! Butter is more difficult to work with but is more flavorful. Butter-flavored Crisco? Blech!

2 cups all-purpose flour

2/3 cup Crisco

½ teaspoon salt

About 8 tablespoons ice water

Mixing

A blender is the modern way to mix dough but removes the tactile connection to the creative process. Invest in a pastry cutter, which, when combined with a fork, creates the potential for a Zen-like focus.

After combining the dry ingredients, add the Crisco, and use the pastry cutter to blend it with the flour mixture until consistent, pea-sized chunks form.

Create a small pocket of mixture and add one tablespoon of ice water. Use a fork to mash the ingredients until all water is absorbed. Create another pocket, and repeat until mixture is moistened throughout.

Mold the pastry into a soft ball. This is the trickiest part because the consistency calls for a “feel.” Do not knead or over-mix, as this makes a tough crust. The dough should hold together. If it falls apart, add a few drops of water to seal. If it feels too wet or sticky rub pinches of flour to dry out. Think Goldilocks: not too sticky, not too dry, but just right.

Wrap the ball in plastic and press firmly, refrigerating for about 30 minutes. As my mom said, cooling the dough allows it to “rest,” meaning the gluten relaxes. Successful pastry needs a nap, and nobody likes tense gluten. OK, seriously, time allows the ingredients to react for best results.

Filling

If you’re a novice, start with fruit pies. Pudding pies—chocolate, coconut, banana, lemon—require finesse because pudding is boiled thickener (tapioca, flour, cornstarch), milk, sugar, and eggs. It can easily curdle, and anyone who says they’d eat chocolate in any concoction has never tasted chocolate scrambled eggs. Blech!

An apple pie is a simple, delicious pie. Avoid the filling in the baking aisle of your grocery store. It’s nothing but over-sugared goop and mush. Blech!

6 medium Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, diced

3 tablespoons tapioca or cornstarch

¾ cup sugar

3 tablespoons lemon juice (to keep apples from browning)

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 egg white

Combine the dry ingredients and mix with apples. Add vanilla and lemon juice; mix well again. The egg white will be used later to coat the pastry.

Rolling the Pastry

Cut your soft ball in half. Dust your countertop with flour, and press your pastry until it’s a flat disc. Flour your rolling pin and the pastry whenever they get sticky, then roll until it’s about a quarter inch or less thick. Hold the pie plate upside down over the pastry to make sure the bottom layer is large enough.

Use a hamburger turner to ease the pastry off a sticky surface; fold in fourths. Place the right angle in the center of the plate; unfold, then press onto the sides and bottom of the pie plate. Leaving about a quarter-inch hanging over the lip (the edge will shrink), trim the excess with a knife. If your pastry is not cooperating, roll it thin, scoop it up, and just smash it on the plate. You’re having fun; you’re not Martha Stewart, and it’ll still taste delicious.

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Whip the egg white, and using a pastry brush (or cheaper, new one-inch paint brush), paint the bottom crust. This creates a barrier, so the juices of the fruit won’t yield a mushy crust. Pour your filling into the pie plate, spreading to the edge and creating a hill. Repeat rolling for the top crust, and place on top.

Because the edge of your pie will burn without unwieldy foil or silicon (the best) shields, here’s an easy trick: Press and seal your pastry along the edge of the pie plate, but roll it away from the edge, creating a sort of circular dam. Cut venting slits on the top crust. I make mine as guides to slice the pie.

Or, don’t use the top crust. Simply fold the excess pastry away from the edge, again making a barrier-like dam. You’ve created a crostata, an Italian, rustic, free-form pie, and you have pastry to make another pie.

Paint the egg white on the top crust, which seals the top layer and creates a nicely browned crust.

Baking

Place the pie on the middle rack; bake for 50 minutes at 375°. Unlike cakes, pies are forgiving; they won’t fall or dry out. You pretty much know when a pie is done: golden crust, bubbling fruit juices, fruity aroma. After removing the pie, let it cool for about two hours; the filling needs to solidify.

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What to do with leftover dough? Raised during the Great Depression, my mom never wasted anything. She would press the leftovers together, placing them into a pie plate, then crimp them into strips like wavy ribbon, sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon, and bake for about 20 minutes. Delicious!

Any time is yummy time because it’s 3:14 somewhere. Hopefully, these tips have encouraged you so baking a pie will become as easy as, well,   …  I mean pie.