On Being an Effeminate Straight Man
I’ve only been in heterosexual relationships. My friends know this, my family knows this. Who doesn’t seem to pick up on this, however, is the gene pool — the hundreds of young and attractive (or not so young and attractive) men and women I’ve encountered since entering the world of seeking and being sought.
Thing is, I don’t confine to a strictly heteronormative dress code, nor do I try to. I speak with a (perhaps) “effeminate” tone, and my body language propagates the misconception, but so what? I read a great article the other day titled Is This Dude Gay? The article contained a flowchart that gave a list of constituencies that, when followed, all led to the ultimate, “Oh, I completely forgot the most important question: Is he attracted to men?”
My friend once described me as “too caring to be straight,” which to me, underlined the issue poignantly: We need to stop assigning labels. I guess the point I’m making is that straight people and otherwise are assigned to categories similarly as in the case of the reverse-racism argument which, while controversial, basically says that to avoid targeting and oppressing the “inside” group, we have to focus on the “outside” group instead.
The assignment of labels, apart from being hurtful, is downright confusing, too. I can’t say how many times I’ve been on a first date (with women, let me remind you) and have had men hit on me. During the date, I’m doing the stereotypical things: holding doors, holding hands — all the normal things. But, when buying the movie ticket, or the cup of coffee, or even talking to the waiter about the soup du jour, I get a tone of flirtation and presumption in response to my innocent vernacular.
I know what you’re thinking: “So what if men hit on you? Even if it can occasionally interfere with your dating scene, it’s harmless right?” To which I will respond: No. It is not harmless. I know the type of sexuality I portray can be considered a real turn-on for women (you know — the sensitive and “in-touch with his feelings” male), but I am here to say that feeling comfortable in my own skin without others putting labels on me is far better than being considered sexy.
In fact, no one should ever have to justify his or her sexuality to a potential partner. After a first or second or third date, when the night has calmed down and I’m speaking on a more intimate level, there is nothing more of a buzz-kill than explaining how I am, in fact, straight.
So, I’m here to say, as a straight male, something I can’t believe still needs to be said in 2016: Stop making assumptions. Most of the time, it’s not your damn business which way someone rolls. So, if you really want to take your young and attractive (or not so young and attractive) self and hit on another body you spot at Starbucks, Whole Foods, or wherever you meet potential partners, here’s some advice: Do. Not. Assume.
