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Straight Men Who Date Queer Women

Straight Men Who Date Queer Women

It’s human nature to want to put things, and people, in boxes. We like to divide our community up into gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc., and we like to divide people as a whole into two groups: queer and queer allies.

If only the world really was so simple, and everyone knew exactly what category they fit into.

The reality of human experience is that it is messy, and most people have had confusing thoughts, relationships, or experiences at one point or another that defy the concept that they are a “straight” person with no queer leanings whatsoever.

Many straight men, men who in most cases consider themselves hetero, just attracted to women, find themselves interacting with the queer community in a more intimate way than just acting as an ally and supporter. By dating bisexual, pansexual, or trans women, these men are immersing themselves in the queer community. Whether they are considered, or consider themselves, a part of that community, they are still uniquely privy to the issues that queer women face. It is what they decide to do with this connection that defines their impact on this community.

The Bi Factor

It isn’t uncommon for a hetero man to be in a relationship with a bi or pansexual woman, a woman who dates both men and women or who dates men, women, and non-binary individuals. Not everyone in these situations is met with the love and understanding necessary to foster a healthy and connected relationship. Unfortunately, many bi and pan women are victims of sexual or domestic violence. According to the Human Rights Campaign, 46 percent of bisexual women have been raped, compared to 17 percent of heterosexual women and 13 percent of lesbians.

However, there are men who understand and respect the needs of their non-straight partners.

“Honestly, a majority of the women I have dated have been queer, since my first girlfriend at 16,” explained Shawn Dautant, a heterosexual man. “I surround myself with alternative crowds, and it always seemed to go hand in hand, being alternative and being queer, so I never really thought about it. I really don’t know how I ended up dating so many queer women, but when I think about it, the number just skyrocketed higher and higher as I got older. It could be something I look for or a certain kind of attitude, or something people look for in me.”

Dautant explained that he grew up with queer family members and friends and never felt that being queer was odd or unusual. Then he made a lot of queer friends, and eventually, queer lovers. The progression seemed natural, and possibly explains why he had such an easy time adapting to queer relationships. He also feels that, to the best of his knowledge, the women he dated never felt that they could not be their entire selves around him, or that they had to hide their queer identities.

Still, despite his relationships with queer women, Dautant does not consider himself a member of the queer community.

“I don’t feel like I’m a part of the community,” he admitted. “I feel I have a lot of ideas and thoughts and believe in rights for everyone. I believe everyone should do what they want, but I’ve never really labeled myself that way. Any time I come across someone who has skewed thoughts and ideas about queer people, I am more than willing to share my thoughts. So I don’t identify as queer, but I try and do my best to share my knowledge and support the community.”

Tony Towner, a man who explains that about 50 percent of the women he dates are queer, expresses similar ideas about being an outsider, but a welcome outsider who has the privilege of supporting a queer partner. He feels it is a coincidence that he has dated so many queer women, not something he seeks intentionally. Similar to Dautaunt, Towner explains that having a gay uncle growing up helped introduce him to the idea of LGBTQ people early on and lead to him feeling completely at ease with the concept of a bi or pan girlfriend.

“I genuinely hope my significant other can express their sexual identity with me,” Towner told OUT FRONT. “I would feel terrible if I were to discover I were keeping them from being who they really are at heart. Dating bi women has presented far less issues than dating women who are straight, or at least claim to be straight. I’ve yet to have a girl leave me for a girl; plenty have left me for other men.”

He also reflects, as does Dautant, that he doesn’t really consider himself to be a part of the community, except as a supporter. Also like Dautant, he included without prompting that while he is not himself a member of the community, he goes out of his way to correct wrong impressions about the queer community.

“I feel I’m a member of the community mostly as a supportive role,” Towner said. “I also try to encourage a positive image of the community in more impressionable groups, like younger family members, usually by discouraging pejorative use of slang and things like that.”

A Female Perspective

His girlfriend Moriah Gallagher, who identifies as bisexual, speaks about the positives of being in a healthy relationship where she can share her queer identity with her significant other and still feel supported. However, she also recounts negative experiences when she could not be herself around the person she was dating.

“I’d say that having been able to take my boyfriend with me to pride had a very positive impact on my identity,” she said. “I have been with men that were too jealous to do that and ones that have wanted me to ‘be straight’ while with them. Being able to actually go with the man I’m dating made it feel more like it’s okay to date a man and still identify within the LGBTQ community. I don’t have to choose one over the other.”

Gallagher points out that when dating queer women, men should make it a point not to get defensive about every person encountered, not to worry needlessly about a cheating partner, and not to assume the woman is interested in a threesome or an open relationship just because she is bi or pan.

Not Here to Be a Fetish

While there are many understanding and accepting men who date LGBTQ women, these women still have to deal with straight men who slut shame and abuse them just for being attracted to others, as well as men who fetishize the concept of two women together or the idea of a trans woman. The trans fetish is an especially painful one, as it involves objectification of an entire person, not just an act they participate in.

Arianna J., a trans woman who considers herself pansexual, has had many negative experiences throughout her involvement with straight men.

“As a trans woman, I don’t date straight men often,” she admitted. “Most of my relationships with typically straight men have been almost strictly sexual in nature with little to no emotional connection and always rather brief. I was usually their dirty little secret. Coming from a very unaccepting family background, I honestly didn’t think I deserved better. I wouldn’t say my relationships with typically straight men were typical relationships—at least I hope not, anyway.”

Arianna stated that as a usual rule, she will only date men who identify as queer in some way, due to all the negative experiences and fetishization she has faced. She also doesn’t consider straight men who date queer women a part of the queer community. However, she has had a few positive experiences with straight men who made her feel accepted and loved, not just used.

“I did date one straight guy very recently and he was a genuinely nice, self-proclaimed straight guy that I dated for several months and began to have an emotional bond with,” she told OUT FRONT. “He said he viewed trans women as women, as we are, and didn’t discriminate based on body parts. He only dates women and considers himself straight. We are still friends and he is dating a friend of mine now.”

The Bottom Line

It’s not easy to land on an overall consensus about the concept of straight men who date LGBTQ women and where they fit in with our community. For every positive story of acceptance and support, there is a negative story of abuse and fetishization to match. Our society continues to generate straight men who feel that queer women are either promiscuous and unfaithful or there to be an object of sexual amusement. However, it appears that when raised with values that encourage accepting LGBTQ people, straight men are more likely to be open and accepting, even when it comes to their own romantic lives.

Let us celebrate these men, not for having patience with queer women and allowing them to be who they are, but for being true examples of barrier breaking and the phrase “love is love.” And let’s raise our straight sons and daughters to follow in their footsteps.

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