Gauntlet of terror: Northeast Denver’s THIRTEENTH FLOOR haunted house

Aristotle once said, “Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.” By this standard, the 13th Floor Haunted House delivers a top shelf dose of the unadulterated terror.

Anyone heading out into the darkness of one of these chilly, moonlit October evenings looking to have their heartbeats doubled, their skin turned to gooseflesh, to basically hammer every last drop of adrenaline out of their brains until they’re a broken mess of a human … then go drive your car off into the Royal Gorge canyon.

Or, for a safer yet equally frightening thrill, drive that car up Brighton Boulevard and visit the 13th Floor Haunted House.

While trying to avoid spoiling any of the shock and horror awaiting you, should you decide to brave this gauntlet of terror, it must be said that the designers behind the 13th Floor have put an impressive amount of thought and energy into each scene of the maze, taking visitors through unending waves of slow anxiety, followed by brain-bursting jolts of panic.

The path seems mathematically designed to continually throw you off balance, disorienting your sense of direction, confusing your mind to not know if the horrible site that just crept into your line of vision (a dismembered body, a cackling psychopath) is simply a prop that you can get used to, or one of the maze’s several costumed actors standing perfectly still, and then: Pow!, you find out.

If you’re really looking to shit your pants, try braving the 13th Floor all by yourself. But if you’re the kind of person who covers their eyes during horror films, you could have a decaffeinated version of the haunted house by traveling with a group of friends and stay toward the rear. This way your friend’s desperate screams of terror serve as a nice warning for what lies ahead.

Though being at the back also provides its own terror, as many of the brilliantly horrifying actors will often slowly trail behind you, creeping out of the constant fog, triggering your primal impulse to run as fast as you can (inevitably leading you to smush yourself into the backs of your friends like a frightened child to his mother).

Where 13th Floor falls short of truly burrowing itself into your fear receptors is in its almost complete absence of a story. When you first enter 13th Floor, you’re greeted by two angry, rushed military men, who instill an anticipatory fear of what’s to come. They set the scene for a Planet Terror-style adventure of a government experiment gone wrong. But unless I missed something, that plot line seems to disappear once you leave the elevator and approach the winding mass of nightmares.

The website of the haunted house gives little indication of a story, either. Outside of a list of facts about why buildings don’t have 13th Floors, there’s no indication of a consistent theme or story. (Though there is a section that explains why dogs are not allowed on the ride, begging the question: What kind of dog owner would be so cruel, stupid and unworthy of animal companionship as to bring a dog in a haunted house?!)

From beginning to end, the 13th Floor is a collection of seemingly unrelated vignettes, covering the gamut of modern human fears like chainsaw murderers, snakes, psychopaths and demons. Like a good scary movie, it would have been nice to see a little more psychological horror, something that slowly creeps into your mind and stays with you after you’ve left.

Instead 13th Floor goes for the quick punch, like crack or whippits, as opposed to a long acid trip. Though this is far from a deal breaker. The fear that you are in bodily danger is constantly present throughout the whole ride, forcing you to repeatedly tell yourself that this is all just fiction and cannot hurt you. Several times I experienced the animalistic, half-second impulse to violently defend myself against the actors; then I’d remind myself for the thousandth time that these actors – as convincing as they are as bloodthirsty demons eager to rip open your neck – are not allowed to touch the visitors.

The fact that this physical world of make-believe can take a normal, complacent person just out for a Saturday night thrill, and temporarily strip him of all reason to the point where he’s sure his life is in danger, speaks to the fact that this team has created one beast of a haunted house ride.

More photos of the Haunted House.

The 13th Floor Haunted House is located at 4120 Brighton Boulevard. More info.