What is commitment and who gets to define it?

As gay marriage and civil unions become more of a possible reality for many in our community, it begs the question for some of us about how we want to live within the context of having a committed relationship, including how it may be perceived and valued by others. There is nothing in the rule book that says any of us have to conform to any set of predetermined structures or expectations. It doesn’t have to mirror stereotypical “straight” versions that many of us grew up with seeing. Ward and June Cleaver weren’t necessarily the picture of a perfect marriage, especially by today’s standards.

As increasingly diverse types of relationships become more common in our community, the definitions of particular words may also need to evolve. The terminology to describe commitment, fidelity, or faithfulness in a relationship today may differ from what was considered appropriate in the past. Although not all types of relationships are tantalizing for all people, it is important to remember that each person in the arrangement should feel comfortable with the dynamics and confident in their ability to play by their agreed rules.

What one couple may consider “cheating” could be a perfectly acceptable practice for others. Every relationship has its own set of expectations. Fidelity is all about sticking to your agreements and being honest. These relationship rules may include how you interact with others in physically or emotionally intimate ways. Infidelity in a relationship can be something as direct as screwing someone else or simply having an inappropriate exchange with someone. It is truly up to the individuals involved to decide.

Keep in mind that everything in a partnership is potentially open to discussion and can also be subject to change. If a trial experiment fails, hopefully the core of any relationship is a deep-rooted trust, love, and loyalty that can get you through. This will hopefully translate into having the confidence to discuss desires and concerns with your partner without fear of a Chernobyl-esque disaster that ends the relationships.

Activities are only considered cheating or inappropriate if they break the rules between people. This is why it is so important to take the time to figure out what each person wants in a relationship and be honest, thoughtful, and authentic when it comes to expressing it. Relationship agreements need to be shared, discussed, and understood between the people involved. Unfortunately, many times individuals feel uncomfortable or insecure about expressing what they really desire within the arrangement and choose to just do what they want to do behind their partner’s back.

Each participant’s integrity is of extremely high importance. It involves doing the right thing when no one else is looking. Additionally, both partners should feel validated, supported, and excited about the agreements. We are all adults and can make decisions that are right for us. We can have our wants and needs fulfilled without cheating, lying, or manipulating. Every relationship has the potential to be meaningful and beautiful, but can be destroyed by assumptions, poor communication, insecurities, and being a low-down, sneaky bastard that breaks the rules to selfishly get their own needs met at the expense of their partner’s well-being and eventual demise of the relationship.

In a world of increasing acceptance for a wide variety of relationships, the only rules that truly matter are those developed by those involved within it. As long as your relationship is strong, it shouldn’t matter how it is composed or what the terms of engagement are. It is important to show our love and commitment to each other.