Speak Out: A father’s fear

By Jessie Ulibarri

My white mother and Latino father taught Catholic Sunday school classes at our home parish as I was growing up and I had been terrified about how they would react when I came out. Yet when I did, through tears and many hugs they both affirmed their love that day.

But it was my father who affirmed his fear.

“The world can be so mean and violent,” he told me. “I know what it’s like to be a Mexican American in Colorado and it’s tough. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be gay and Hispanic.” His voice cracked as he said, “You already face an uphill battle because of me; what will happen to you now?”

His eyes revealed the true meaning of his words. I saw terror narrow his pupils and a protective love shine out of his irises. He recognized that with this revelation some in society would view me as having less value simply because of who I am, and my life may literally be at risk.

I didn’t fully grasp my father’s fear until I felt it as a parent myself. Our nation was shaken to its core by the not guilty verdict in the George Zimmerman murder trial. Zimmerman, an overzealous neighborhood watch volunteer, was found not guilty under Florida’s lax laws in the killing of an unarmed 17-year-old – Trayvon Martin.

While the troubling news unfolded, our family was celebrating my son’s birthday. During his party my son asked me if he and his friends could go outside to play “Cops and Robbers.” My stomach lurched and cold fingers of fear grasped my throat when I imagined my dark son, dressed in a sweatshirt, running through the streets of our neighborhood. With a dry mouth and wet eyes, I angrily told him he could not go outside and play a simple childhood game.

I hope he knows I am not angry with him, but I’m infuriated with the world we’re raising him in. I’m angry with myself for limiting my son and denying him his youth because, like my dad, I’m petrified of what may happen to my son for simply being who he is.

This is so hard. This is so painful. It’s the same pain – whether we are losing Emmett Till and Trayvon Martin, both boys who went to the store for candy and came home dead, or Angie Zapata and Matthew Shepherd, who were both hatefully struck down here in our own backyards for simply being who they were.

But anger and fear won’t really fix anything. Although the topic may be emotionally charged and difficult to begin, we must engage in courageous conversation, in our states and in our nation, about race, about ethnicity, about identity – lives are literally at stake. It’s high time that we as parents, friends, community members and neighbors work to build a nation where all of our kids can grow up without fear of death or bodily injury simply for being who they are.

State Sen. Jessie Ulibarri represents southwestern Adams County in the Colorado State Senate and is a leader in the NAACP Colorado Montana Wyoming State Conference.