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Pride for Introverts

Pride for Introverts

Greetings, fellow wallflowers! If you’re like me, you’re probably reading this article inside a comfortable bunker buried deep beneath the surface of the Earth, located at least five miles from the nearest human being.

To those who are not introverts, human beings are these exceptionally bizarre lifeforms we introverts try our best to avoid, as Homo sapiens are often very unpredictable, psychologically draining, and emotionally debilitating.

To paraphrase the writer Charles Bukowski from the movie Barfly, I don’t hate people, “but I seem to feel better when they’re not around.”

Unfortunately, some of these humans are attractive, and introverts end up reluctantly extracting ourselves from our grottos, pulled into the harsh, glaring sunlight by some archaic biological imperative to screw.

And even though we masturbate (a lot), this need for physical human contact and intimacy is remarkably persistent. So, since Pride is fast approaching, I thought I’d share some of the methods I’ve developed as an introvert, methods which have allowed me to navigate Pride and even (gasp) successfully interact with other human beings … a lot of human beings … 370K total was last year’s Pride count … all crammed together in a tiny park … surrounded by vendors and high fences … trapped together under the harsh heat of the sun … the throngs threatening to strangle my senses and my mind … driving me to madness!

Breathe, Mike. Breathe.

Okay.  I’m good.

[quote]To paraphrase the writer Charles Bukowski from the movie Barfly, I don’t hate people, “but I seem to feel better when they’re not around.”[/quote]
Headphones:
These are a must, as the music creates a sonic shelter amid the pulsating mass of mortals. And you can control your mood (to a certain degree) with the music being pumped into your isolation-loving brain. Need to slowly linger into the crowd? Play some calming electronic music (I recommend Tycho).  Need to quickly withdraw from the crowd? Play some metal to fuel your escape (I recommend Opeth). And if I happen to fancy some sexy British chap in the crowd, I can choose to remove those headphones and make an attempt to interact with said attractive British chap.

Sunglasses: They say eyes are the windows to the soul. Well, we introverts don’t want to look into any more human soul. What we’ve seen already is terrifying, hence the tinted glass to avoid eye contact. And when I discover the sexy British chap has a boyfriend, I can don the sunglasses to hide my tears of rejection and perpetual loneliness.

Sanctuaries: Take the time to find a few citadels of sanctuary before Pride. There are several coffee shops and restaurants in close proximity to Civic Center Park that are rarely busy, even during the festival. So, when the clatter of human contact becomes too much, I flee to these pre-determined bastions to be alone, giving me a chance to reset.

Me Time: Extroverts recharge by being around others, while we introverts recharge by being alone. I make it a habit to isolate myself before Pride, and I make some time for me afterward to replenish a weary and drained soul (whose body is hungover from downing those Jello shots at 11am). Finally, I’ve learned to be (somewhat) comfortable with being uncomfortable. As introverts, we will never not be overwhelmingly anxious in crowds. However, if you take these methods to heart, you might not only survive this year’s Pride, but make Pride your bitch! (Who knows? Maybe you’ll even go home with that sexy British chap and his boyfriend.)

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