Consent Consensus

While the gay community and its allies are still reeling from the Orlando tragedy, we can’t allow an earlier tragedy to fall off of the radar: The Stanford Rape Victim. These two attacks may seem unconnected at first, but when you dive deeper into the issue, the subjects of consent and respecting an individual’s space are readily apparent in the gay community.

Bare it All

Go to any gay bar or club and you’re certain to see plenty of guys with their shirts off. Some might even strip down to their underwear, leaving very little to the imagination. These men may not mind people satisfying their ocular appetites, and they may not even mind feeling a pinch, caress, squeeze, or smack. This type of behavior has become so common in the gay community that one could almost argue that it’s perfectly acceptable to rub a hand across the hair on a guy’s chest, squeeze a nipple, or run a palm across his stomach without asking for permission beforehand. I’ve seen this behavior several times while at Wrangler and Eagle (back when it was still standing and swinging in a leather harness). Even I’ve come to think that it’s “just the way it is.” But is it the way it should be?

May I?

Another common behavior in the gay community is hooking up. Lots of it. Gay men are more than willing to completely give in to their primal urges. This often results in lots of eye contact, touching, and silent acknowledgements. While there’s nothing wrong with non-verbal consent, the danger lies in relying too much on this method of communicating without words.

As with anything done time and time again, this dialogue of bodies can become habitual, almost second nature. Taking this one step further, the unspoken words can become even more muddled when alcohol and/or drugs are involved. Almost everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, sometimes uses alcohol to loosen up, feel more uninhibited. No matter how horny we might be feeling, and no matter how ready, willing, and able the other person seems to be, we have to remember that with sobering clarity can come overwhelming regret. Even though this scenario might not qualify as outright rape, there can still exist a sense of being violated.

Know Your Place

So what’s the core of what I’m getting at? Respect. Pure and simple and funky fresh. Asking a guy permission before rubbing a hand over a thick slab of hairy pectoral muscle or caressing the Buddha belly spilling over his belt signifies that you acknowledge him as an individual human being and not as an amorous android programmed for your entertainment. There’s nothing sexier than having someone truly see you and not just pieces of you. Sure, some guys might not mind you touching them without permission, but even they’re sure to appreciate the gesture.

When the scene shifts to the bedroom, communicate. Verbally. As a writer, I realize the power and magnitude of words. They can be just as sensual as hands, lips, thighs, calves, arms, buttocks … you know where I’m going. When you use your words, you invite him to use his words, however sweet and sexy or nasty and raw those words might be. Let there be no misunderstanding between you, or your bodies.

While rape most certainly exists in the gay community, and that’s a conversation we should most definitely have, consent and respect are where it all starts. So before you reach out and touch someone, honor that individual by asking permission and respecting the response.